There’s a version of me that shows up when life feels uncertain. She gets a bit quieter, more sensible, and also very agreeable.
And she starts checking.
Checking whether her thoughts make sense, whether her ideas are “sound” or whether her next move is the right one.
Sometimes she checks with a real person. It could be a stakeholder, colleague, partner, friend or family member. And sometimes she checks with someone who does not even exist.
An invisible authority figure in the room.
If you’ve ever done this, I want you to know something important.
You may have told yourself it’s because you are incapable of making decisions alone.
It’s not. It’s because you learned a dynamic.
The hidden habit: outsourcing the green light
For a long time, one of my default traits would flip in times of stress or perceived lack of control.
I would defer.
I was ambitious and driven, but my nervous system had learned at some point along the way, “When things feel uncertain, there is safety in approval.”
Add in a personality mix like high empathy, people pleasing tendencies, dutifulness, and dependency, and you have a recipe for a very socially acceptable kind of self abandonment.
It can look like you’re being responsible, but internally, you are waiting, waiting, waiting.
And the cost is huge.
It cost me in relationships, because I became too easily shaped by someone else’s preferences.
It cost me in work, because I was amiable and dependable, but not always influential.
It cost me in business, because I would shrink back as the CEO of my own company, waiting for a “boss above me” to validate my instincts. Who didn’t even exist!
The most painful part? I was the one holding the door closed and then blaming the locked handle.
Why we do it: learned helplessness in grown up clothing
Psychologist Martin Seligman described “learned helplessness” as what can happen when we are conditioned over time to believe we have little control, so we stop trying even when options are available.
In real life, it can look like this:
- You have an idea, but you do not share it until someone else “confirms” it.
- You notice a problem, but you wait for someone to tell you what to do.
- You feel a wobble and assume that means you have to wait.
- You confuse approval with safety.
And the real issue? Even when you are no longer in that old dynamic, your body can behave like you still are.
The Empowerment Spectrum: a simple sense check
When I catch myself waiting for permission, I use a quick diagnostic. I call it the Empowerment Spectrum, (I also use it with my leadership clients) and it has three zones.
1) Help Zone
This is where you hand over your agency.
You think:
“What do you want me to do?”
“Can you fix this for me?”
“I’m not sure I’m allowed, I’d better check.”
This is not always wrong. Sometimes you genuinely need support.
But if you live here, you will feel small.
2) Permission Zone
This is where you have an idea, but you still ask someone to authorise it.
You think:
“I’ve noticed a problem and have an idea, can I run it by you?”
“I think this might work, am I okay to go ahead?”
“I’m not sure this is my remit.”
This zone often looks like being collaborative.
But over time, it trains you to wait.
3) Empowerment Zone
This is where you act from ownership.
You think:
“Here’s the challenge, here’s what I’m proposing.”
“I’ve taken the first step, here’s the outcome.”
“This is in my control, so I’m acting on it.”
“I influenced X by doing Y, here’s what’s next.”
You are not asking to be allowed, but leading first.
The moment it changed for me
These days, if I’ve handed my power away, I can feel it. It is like a low hum of discomfort in my body. I know I am waiting for approval, even if I cannot name who from.
And the longer I wait, the more delayed and frustrated I feel, because deep down I know I am the one slowing the process down.
So now, I do something simple.
I move myself from “permission language” into “empowerment language”.
Every empowered move is a vote for the version of you who leads your own life.
A practical shift you can use:
If you feel yourself slipping into waiting, try this:
- Name the zone you are in. Help, permission, or empowerment?
- Name what is in your control. Even if it is only your next action.
- Make one empowered move. A message, action, decision, draft, boundary or request.
And if the environment you are in is rigid, political, or highly hierarchical, here is a helpful reframe:
Sometimes the most influential move is not “Can I?”
It is “Here’s what I’m doing, and here’s why.”
And if needed, you ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
If this is a pattern for you, it rarely fixes itself with insight alone
If you recognise yourself in this, it is not about trying harder.
It’s about shining a light on the traits, behaviours, and derailers that keep pulling you back into old dynamics, then rewiring them through practical action so you build new neural pathways and a new default.
That’s exactly what we’ll do inside my Strategic Influence programme.
If you want to become the version of you who moves without waiting, even when life throws a curve ball, book a call and we’ll look at what is driving the pattern for you, and what needs to shift.
Because the you that shows up empowered, in control of your actions, without asking for permission, is the you who feels more fulfilled, more aligned, and more at home in your own life.
A question to leave you with:
Where are you still waiting for a green light that no one is coming to give you?
If you’re ready to stop outsourcing permission and start leading from ownership, book a call with me and let’s explore whether Strategic Influence is the right fit.
And if you know someone that may find this blog helpful, please tag them or share.
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